judge.

[Darknezz]

Definitely caught my attention. I would love to read more.

There's a few problems I had with wording, but like you said, that can be sorted out later; From the first sentence, I knew this was going to be good. After the last word, I wanted to read more.

[SnowOwl96]

1) Yes, from the very beginning you caught my attention.
2) I didn't want to stop reading and I'm longing for more of this story.
3) The last part reminds me of some of the poems and stories I did in highschool. :-\

I want more... =^.^=

[phillip00]

I don't like reading stories like this, so it didn't really catch my attention, but I read it regardless.

Paragraph structure was all over the place, and I dunno if you want to keep it like that or not, but it's kind of a mess. It's so full of metaphors, I'm not even sure it was coherent. It may have been to some of the emo kids who try to find love in everything, but it doesn't make sense.

You move from the longing of man to meet the perfect woman, to boys having it easier than men? And are you calling yourself a child, because that's the only way I can connect you with the boy analogy. And what's the point of saying your dream and your girl were both taken from you? From all the stuff you said you made it seem as if the girl was the dream.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I guess what you're doing right now is being way too self-indulgant for your own good.

[Mirei]

I actually liked it~
It grabbed my attention because of how you described this perfect woman and what good influence or whatever the sort she had on this man but how she was also..dangerous...I dunno. Made me wanna read more and see where this is going and how perfect this woman is. xD